Baby Brother

Last week was emotionally intense, and I feel like there are many topics I would like to explore in writing, but for now I’ll stick to the most straightforward news: we’re having another baby boy. We had the “big” ultrasound on Friday, sandwiched between Wednesday, which would have been Noah’s first birthday, and Saturday, which was the day we scattered Noah’s ashes. At first, I was unsure about having so many big events in a row, but in the end the timing felt perfect. We were able to mourn Noah appropriately as we also rejoiced in getting to know the new life I’m carrying a little better.

As with all things in this pregnancy, I have a mixture of different thoughts about the fact that Noah is going to have a baby brother, and many of them contradict each other. My first reaction actually took me by surprise – I felt such a sense of peace at the thought of having another chance at bringing home a living son. We found out Noah was a boy at his 20 week ultrasound, too, so I spent half of my last pregnancy imagining the mother-son relationship we would have, and looking forward to starting a new life with a baby boy in our home.

However, I am struggling a bit with the idea of being pregnant with a baby boy who isn’t Noah. Shortly after we left the doctor’s office, Mark said something about wanting to celebrate his baby boy and I started to get teary because whenever Mark has said the words “my baby boy” in the past, he’s been referring to Noah. Also, picking up our visions of a future when we will bring home a baby boy who will occupy the nursery we prepared for Noah and become part of our lives in the way we originally envisioned Noah would feels somewhat like we are simply replacing our firstborn. I’ve never wanted this baby to feel like a replacement child.

This baby is what he is, though, and I certainly don’t love him any differently because I know he’s a boy. I can’t help loving him more every time I see him wiggling on the ultrasound screen or hear his beating heart or feel him moving inside me. After a few days of processing, I’m back to feeling a sense of peace because I know he was meant to be who he is according to God’s perfect plan for our lives. I can spend hours trying to analyze that plan, or I can simply accept it and trust. Right now, the latter sounds much more appealing than the former.

I’d like to write more about the experience of scattering Noah’s ashes, but I’m going to leave that as another post for another time. For now, I’ll just end with some pictures of baby boy number 2 and (hopefully) a short video clip from the ultrasound.

Baby profile - he's got his hand by his mouth.

Hand - he's apparently giving us a thumbs up.

Feet - Mark proudly noted his "Morton's toe."

Short video clip - if it works, you can see him wiggling around.