Pregnancy Update

When I first made my pregnancy public knowledge, I had grand intentions of posting regular updates with the baby’s progress and my reflections on this journey of pregnancy after stillbirth. In the end, though, the baby’s progress has been pretty typical, and I’ve felt like my reflections have been too jumbled to share with any kind of audience. Perhaps those are just excuses, but the bottom line is that I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just now decided to sit down and write about how we’re doing.

The baby seems to be doing quite well – he’s been growing on track and moving as much as he can given the confines of my uterus. In fact, this pregnancy has been almost identical to the one I had with Noah, when all the doctors joked that I was “boring” because everything was so smooth and uncomplicated. No one calls my situation boring now, though my pregnancy has been equally free of problems.

The fact that I have the word stillbirth on my chart qualifies me for extra testing this time, and I’ve taken advantage of it for my own peace of mind. In recent weeks, I’ve been going to the labor and delivery floor twice a week for a non-stress test, which involves hooking me up to the monitors and watching how the baby’s heart rate fluctuates in response to movement. The first time I went in for a non-stress test brought back a flood of memories – it was when they were hooking me up to those same monitors while I was in labor with Noah that we had our first clue that all was not as it should be. Fortunately, the process has become increasingly routine, and with each successful test, I’ve been able to work through some of those traumatic memories. I’m also having weekly ultrasounds to check the fluid around the baby, and so far all has looked good, and it’s been incredible to see his little face on the screen so regularly.

On an emotional level, these later weeks of the pregnancy have been difficult. I think the body retains memories on its own, and my body has been reliving my last weeks with Noah lately, causing me to grieve the loss of my firstborn son in new ways. I remember so vividly the ways I prepared for Noah – washing his little clothes, organizing the nursery, setting up a bassinet in our room. When those memories start, I can’t help following them down the path a little further, to the days when we were shoving all things baby related into the nursery and shutting the door, when my mother and I put all the onesies and sleepers Noah would never wear into a bin for storage in the basement, when my arms and belly both ached with emptiness.

Now, I feel like I’m walking down the exact same path as I prepare our lives for the arrival of our second son, and it can be hard to convince myself that I will find myself in a different place at the end of the journey. Logically, I know our chances of losing another baby at full term are miniscule, but it can be hard to think rationally when stillbirth is the only pregnancy outcome my body and mind know so far. We have also heard so many stories of all the different things that can go wrong, even at this late stage in the game. Sometimes, I have to fight the urge to drop everything, go to the hospital and demand an induction – I know this baby is alive right now, so let’s get him out before anything can go wrong. At other times, I’m terrified of labor because of the memory that Noah was safe until that process started, and then he was gone.

All that said, I am not in a constant state of worry. I am often able to feel a sense of peace, and I’ve even been able to feel some excitement when I think of the possibility that we might finally come home with a baby. We are blessed to have so many people praying for us, and I know those prayers (in addition to the ones we are frequently saying ourselves) are helping us get through this unique time of waiting. We are also surrounded by people who have been in incredible support to us since we lost Noah, including the hospital childbirth guru and lactation consultant, who are both going to be there to help us through the labor and birth.

During the months when I was pregnant with Noah, I looked forward to seeing what Mark would be like as a parent. I had visions of him carrying our little boy as we hiked through the woods, snuggling with him on the couch, reading him bedtime stories. We both became parents on the day Noah was born, and even though it was far from what we expected, I have been blessed to be able to see Mark as a father. I’ll never forget the way he ran his thumb over Noah’s fingers, kissed his fuzzy head and breathed in our baby’s scent as we clung to each other and to our son in a hospital bed on that day in September. Noah will always be our firstborn son, and I hope and pray that within the next few weeks we will continue this journey of parenthood with a living child.